everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 03:58:13 GMT

i felt kinda creative the other day, i need to start writing again.

he said he wasn't like anyone else and wasn't normal... but what is normal? everyone is different in their own way and there is no ideal person. no one is perfect , everyone is messed up in their own life but time goes on and no one really stated what normal was. no ones normal.

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 17:24:04 GMT

I'm on the train going back home to long island. I'm really starting to hate it there, its like a totally different world or something like that. it just hit that I really wanna get out of there but I know it won't happen for awhile.. I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life and what I want to go for school for. I love being in brooklyn but I don't think I would be able to handle it on my own and I know for a fact I would be scared to walk around and take the subways by myself due to what has already happened.. people hitting on me, people asking me to talk to them for alittle bit, bums following me and then the best seven 14 year olds hitting on me and trying to follow me into mookie's apt to talk to me... like wtf. sunday night I go outside for a cigarette and two men say goodnight to me so being nice I also said goodnight and then they ask me if I'm busy and I say yeah I am.. they ask me if I have a couple of minutes and I say no then they finally walk away... then one really creepy guy stops right in front of me and starts checking me out.. I was a little freaked out so called mookie to come outside with me... then I wore his friends gym shorts, his teeshirt and hoodie outside and pretended to be a boy... there was no one outside the next time which made me happy... this entry was really random cause I'm that bored.

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 08:17:44 GMT

I love when I do random things like come all the way to the city to meet up with an amazing guy. came out last thursday night and again tonight to spend time with him and I'm at his job waiting for him to get off and then go to brooklyn.... hopefully it won't be 8am.. I need my sleep I have to catch a train around 11 tomorrow to make it back in time for work... I was so scared to go on the subway by myself I survived even though I wanted to cry and it was worth it.... I think my luck has finally turn around <3.

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 01:41:49 GMT

i got bored..

Last 24 hours

01. Had sex?: nope

02. Bought Something?: food and drinks, storage things so i can clean my room, a toy for my dog and an eyelash curler.

03. Gotten sick?: almost did cause a little girl threw up right near me at work.

04. Sang?: yes

05. Been kissed?: no

06. Eaten something? yeah a lot.

07. Felt stupid?: nope.

08. Talked to an ex?: yeah, i'm still friends with most of them.

09. Missed someone?: kinda.

10. Hugged someone?: katie.

Last person who:

01. Slept in your bed: lenny but that was a really long time ago.

02. Saw you cry: alex.

03. You went to the movies with: tom

04. You went to the mall with: joey.

Have You Ever?:

01. Said "I Love You" & meant it?: yes

02. Got in a fight with your pet?: my dog likes to bite me.

03. Been to California?: nope

04. Been to Mexico?: nope

05. Been to China?: nope

06. Been to Canada?: yeah

07. Been to Europe?: nope

Random:

01. Do you have a crush on someone?: nope

02. What books are you reading now?: i don't like to read.

03. Worst feeling in the world?: being ignored.

04. Future kids names: autumn... not sure about a boy

05. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: no but i sleep with my arm around a pillow.

06. What's under your bed?: ex boyfriend boxes and random things.

07. Location?:my room.

08. Piercing/Tattoos?: tons... ears, belly button, nose and six tattooes.

09. Do you drink?: sometimes.

10. What are you most scared of right now?: everything

11. Where do you want to get married?: i have no idea.

12. Who do you really hate?: no one really i just dislike some people.

13. Do you have a job?: yeah it sucks.

14. Do you like being around people?: most of the time.

15. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with? yeah i guess.

17. Are you lonely right now? kinda.

18. Song that's stuck in your head a lot: i don't have one.

20. Played strip poker?: no

21. Gotten beaten up?: nope

22. Done an all-nighter?: yeah

23. Been on radio/TV?: yeah

24. Been in a mosh-pit?: nope

25. Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: no

26. Skinny dipped?: yeah.

27. Made sweet love in the back of a voltzwagon?: nope

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 00:46:39 GMT

i come home and my dad says get your numbers off your phone i'm canceling it tomorrow.. i swear i hate him so much. last night i was told i'd have two weeks to save money and get my own plan but my dad is such a dick and telling my mom shes not aloud to co-sign.. like wtf im going to pay my fucking phone bill i just can't get it by myself because i have really bad credit at the moment.. it isn't my fucking fault he didn't switch my phone over on his plan five months ago.. its all his fault i get 300 to 500 dollar phone bills and its not my fault that my brother left without fixing my computer so now i use aim on my phone because my computer freezes every fucking second...
im so pissed and venting this out didn't help at all.

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 06:01:56 GMT

so i'm just about to go to bed and i hear alot of noise outside, walk out the door and see police cars, fire trucks and ambulances. turns out someone hit a pole... now how is that possible i have no idea. my road is straight and has street lights. people are lame.

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 02:26:18 GMT

the summer is almost over and im upset i didn't do anything amazing.
i need something to rememeber and it has to happen quick.

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 14:37:02 GMT

no more canada and im fucking pissed.

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 02:07:03 GMT

i've been so busy lately and its good.
prom was alot of fun and so was after at cedar point.
didn't go to graduation cause i had a fever of 101.
i heard it sucked anyway.
i've been working like crazy, but its okay because im only working four days next week.
im going to cananda. im so excited about that, i can't wait anymore.
tons of pictures when i get back.

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 19:30:51 GMT

i have such a busy week.
tonight is jeffrey's prom.
tomorrow's my prom, then camping afterwards.
work at one on friday. i don't want to go.
guaduation hopefully saturday, if it rains then sunday.
i don't think i've ever had this much stuff to in such a short period of time.
there will be tons of pictures.

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 03:17:37 GMT

i need to start taking care of myself better..
im driving myself nuts with all these thoughts in my head,
not getting enough sleep or enough to eat isn't helping either.
i feel so weak because of all of this and losing six pounds and three days doesn't help me at all. im just not hungry and when i get hungry i don't have time to eat..
i think this weekend im going to try and get myself better and figure myself out and then worry about alex because he is doing fine.

Wed, 31 May 2006 05:55:55 GMT

yesterday and today consisted of buying alex tons of things and going to visit him in the hospital. from 11:30 in the afternoon till almost one in the morning.. my body is aching so bad from sitting and laying down in very uncomfortable chairs.. im just happy my boy is okay.. just thinking about like what could have happened and what would i do and all this crazy shit that is about to drive a hole through my head. i would have stayed the night like i wanted and was going to but the nurses wouldn't bring me any pillows or blankets. that would have made me feel less uncomfortable. i just need some sleep cause i have work and school in the morning.. but if no one can stay there tonight i'll go.. its nothing to me.. i really care about this boy and i hope he knows that.
i called my mom to tell her that i was going to spend the night and of course i get yelled at and told im not aloud to.. but i don't care what she says anymore.. and she doesn't understand me or my way of thinking..
the people i have in my life are the most important thing. i would bend over backwards for them.. even though its only a couple of kids. but in my eyes if my friend is hurt or having a bad day i'll be right there and drop everything im doing to make them feel better...
if people actually knew the real me and not the rumors then they would know... my life is not as important as the people around me..
im just glad that hes okay and want him to know i'll do anything for him.
its time for bed if i can put my mind to sleep.

Tue, 30 May 2006 12:17:10 GMT

thank god hes okay.

Mon, 22 May 2006 04:55:13 GMT

i got my nose pierced today, i don't know if i like it though. it was such a random thing, just figured hey i have 30 bucks to spare instead of giving it to my mom.. shes going to be so pissed when she sees me in the morning... it might sound like this.... what were you thinking blah blah blah you needed to give me money for cigarettes and you blew it on that... get out of my house? hope not.. whatever i wanted to add alittle something crazy to my life.

Mon, 15 May 2006 07:36:21 GMT

its finally here, my birthday! im excited to be 18.

Sat, 06 May 2006 13:05:48 GMT

my birthday's in nine days,
im so excited.
i can get a credit card to buy some clothes,
and i'll be able to actually drive other then work and school.
i have no idea whats going on such as plans.
me, katie and sarah wanna go to a club.
don't know who else is coming.
gotta figure that out real soon.

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 03:18:10 GMT

catching up with old friends is one of the best things thats happened,
this is a good turn around.. i was getting sick and tired of things going down hill.
and being able to actually talk to someone and not be alone is the most wonderful feeling.

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 04:26:40 GMT

im having one of my moments again when i over look everything and just get miserable. it totally sucks, without a doubt. i need for all of this to just go away. i can't stand feeling like this and its not going to change anytime soon because with this problem it will never get fixed.. if only i had my best friend to talk to things wouldn't be so hard. it sucks not having anyone around you and things aren't going to change because this is how its going to be.. i need to get off of this island soon or im seriously just going to lose it for good.

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 06:35:01 GMT

i need to go prom dress shopping!!!

Sat, 04 Feb 2006 16:13:21 GMT

yesterday my dad was being so mean and now today's he washed my car, put air in the tires and put gas in the car even though its like full. my dad is nuts, but i like it when hes like this.

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 04:26:59 GMT

i thought new years was going to suck, but it really didn't. corey picked me up from my aunts house and we were going to try and go to connecticut but it didn't happen cause there was no ferrys. so we went to anthony's house, colleen was there and it was alright, i thought she hated me, but no shes just shy in work. it was just a couple of us and it didn't matter because we all had alot of fun. didn't get to drunk at all, everyone else was... i barely drink so four was good enough for me. corey was the only one to to get sick, threw up a few times which i had no idea.. i slept like a baby which was good but then woke up in so much pain in my side cause he was leaning on me. its alright thought, its going away now..
a very good new years, hopefully this year will be better then last year.
i really wished i took pictures last night, oh well theres aways next year.

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 21:19:38 GMT

time after time i used to tell myself that i was put on earth for one reason and that was to help people, no matter how shitty my life was i was always there for everyone else. and times have changed and no one needs me anymore and thats because i have no one.. one friend that is happy and doesn't have to talk about anything. and now all i do is sit around and think about everything. and i've realized time again theres no point for me to be here. i know my life isn't as worse as most peoples its just so many things have happened in my life and the people around me have no idea what its like. so just stop giving me shit... because you know nothing about me and you never will know anything because you are no one to me. i just can't get over it and i've turned into the saddest person ever. i've always looked for happiness in other people and its time i've stopped. i finally was feeling better after everything has passed but things always come along and i don't know how to deal with it anymore. theres always a week or a month that i feel fine but then everything comes crashing down and everything just falls back onto my plate and everything goes back to the way is was, thinking about everything that i've tried so hard to not remember. its hard and i don't want to go back on those stupid medicines yeah they helped me not do anything stupid or helped me just see what i had at the moment, but i start to think they didn't do anything because i was somewhat alright i guess. god knows where i'll be tomorrow or a year or tens years from now.. all i know is im not going to live to long and i kinda don't want to, thats not saying i want to end my life because thats so not my style its just im sick all the time, i have a heart problem and you know what i really don't care if my world ends tomorrow because there was nothing for me. my whole life i felt alone, having dreams of my parents just leaving me alone in the middle of know where and then having parents that don't talk to you, and a mom that doesn't care or talk to you or try to figure you out untill 15 years later when it doesn't help right now. whenever i would try to talk she wouldn't listen and then when she trys to get me to talk now i don't feel like i should tell you and why so you call me a problem child and im a failure and my brother turned out just fine... well its different for girls atleast in my family... i was always around people, people were my life and now and have no one, and my brother never had friends he was to into computers and now he does have friends and hes doing stupid shit and hes just messing himself up in the long run.. but thats all i have to say for now...

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 17:44:04 GMT

love.

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 04:31:16 GMT

so life has been alright this summer. things are finely getting better.
i have a swimming pool and the cutest puppy ever named molly, and i don't want her to get big. but she can be a bitch at times and jump on my the couch and try and bite me and then she barks and growls at me but i think thats her new way of telling me she has to go to the bathroom. i figured that out today when she was doing it because i put her outside cause she was being bad and annoying and all she had to do was pee. but she does that all the time when i have food.
got my haircut today and its to short cause mona wasn't there so someone else had to do it, but it will grow out soon, and its alright atleast i can still up it up.
also i have two tattos and i love them but i have to ger my heart touched up because its spotty and apart of it is missing cause its on my palm alittle, but the guy said after i get it touched up a few times that will never happen again so i hope not. i also want to get a third but im broke at the moment and will be for awhile since i owe my mom 500 bucks and i have 6 dollars in the bank.
i've been hanging out with matt alot and its good, i haven't seen him in forever and i like hearing about all the interesting things he has to say and i've also missed seeing jay haley just because hes the weirdest person in the world and hes funny. saturda night me and matt went to the train station because jay got back from tour and we didn't know if he had a ride but he had his car so we ended up going to the diner and i got pancakes and played with the music boxes. sunday matt woke me up and made me go to the good clean fun show, i never listened to them but they are alright from what i heard. i only went because he was paying for me. i met the coolest girl nil (nile) picked up some kids that i didn't like and the one kept on leaning on my tattoo and he was all sweaty and it was gross and i kept yelling at him to stop touching me.. i can be a bitch at times but im usually nice. then went to the show got an italian ice which matt and nil finished because it was just to cold for me. watched part of good clean fun and took a few pictures for matt becuase he said thats what i had to do for him paying for me. but then it got really hot so me and nil sat outside. saw caleb and actually got to meet him finally... its about time its been like a year. then left after good clean fun couldn't find those stupid kids we gave a ride to then left, but we called and he got sick so someone he knew took him home. tried to find the amityville horror house, we didn't really find it and didn't know what it looked like cause they changed it. asked these little girls where it was they gave us directions that weren't right. went to the beach nil surf and me and matt watched and i took pictures for her. then went to nil's uncles resturant (wild fig in the mall) got some soup because they were closing early and her aunt was the only one there. cleaned up alittle and said thanks for the free food, then went to jay's house and watched some weird videos on the computer.. this kid jack that i met last year with matt but never talked to him in coke in jay's basement and jay said he was just doing weed and i was like no jay he cut up a straw took a cd case went in the bathroom then came out and put a credit card back in his wallet.. what an ass. just go to fucking rehab so you can go back home and not live in jays basement and ruin your life anymore. then today went to nicole's house ate some food wen to walgreens hung out and then matt and nil picked me up and then we took nil home. went to matts house and played on the trampoline, i haven't done that since i was a little kid. went to stop and shop bought sunflowers and a soda, went in the woods to go into the cemetery but it was to far of a walk so we walked back and drive snuck into the cemetery and had to walk threw sprinklers just to get to jared's grave to bring my sunflowers. left i drove home, drove down lenny's road to see if he was home because his awaymessage sound like he wasn't okay and i wanted to see if he was home. cops were all over his road and i thought something happened that josh's house again. parked the car turned it off then switched spots with matt because i can't drive past 9:30 i believe it is. some guy came down told us that it was angelo and that he had be drinking it seemed like and was cursing and punched him in the face. angelo's mom called the cops on me because hes getting out of hand and wanted the neighbor to press charges but he didn't want to. then came home. tomorrow me and matt are taking nil to the airport at 6am so she can go back home to chicago which sucks because shes an awesome girl but i'll see her next year when she comes back to visit and then god knows what. i wanna hang out with len and i hope he calls.

yeah thats pretty much it.

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 02:50:35 GMT

i went to the doctor today because i've been having stomach pains for a month maybe more, and it turns out i might have an aneurysm in my stomach. im so freaked out right now. i have to go to the hospital wednesday morning to get a sonogram done and see if thats really what i have... i kinda hope its not and i kinda hope it is. like i'd like to know what is wrong with me for once because the doctors can never find out what is wrong with me, but im really scared because i might have to get surgery. that really freaks me out. and it can explode any minute which is really scarey.
i don't know what im going to do if i do have it.
i found out that it is caused by smoking... i can't quit smoking, i've tried so many times its to hard and i don't want to quit.
its also i good thing i made my mom take me to the doctor to get checked out, she kept on trying to tell me i was feeling this way because i don't eat right, but i do sometimes... thanks mom, you know nothing.

lets just pray that it doesn't explode anytime before i have to go to the hosptial.